Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Dark Day- Day 3

Having made it through 48 hours of attempted sleep,  BP monitoring, more bloodwork, incision pressing, pumping every 3 hours and watching Eden on the Angel camera try to breath, grow and make it though each consecutive hour (every hour and every day meant greater chances)...that morning or evening... I can't remember honestly because I lost time A LOT.  My Mom wheeled me down to the NICU only to encounter a different doctor than I had known that last few days.  The truth is she was highly critical simply because of her gestation.... but her doctor I had been communicating with over the phone the last 2 days had a gift for giving the truth, but with encouragement and hope.  This days doctor met me at her bedside and gave me her rundown..... "she's up on her oxygen needs...she's working a bit harder.... we have changed settings to work around it.....but you need to realize there is only so much we can do."   

I am sitting in this wheelchair... incision throbbing, head throbbing, 4 feet from my baby girl who I came to see.... and this doctor stands in front of my path and delivers these words.  The truth is I know they were not trying to be cruel by any means.... they have to tell the truth. But somehow this particular doctor did not quite have the skills to step out of their Doctor mode and turn on the human side a bit.  My Mom is almost in tears massaging my back trying to comfort me.  When we looked at her I will be honest.....I wondered how this would ever work.  When you see your child's chest being beat up and down by a special ventilator several hundred times a minute and their eyes are still fused and you can see through their skin and their diaper is the size of a small maxi pad and their BP cuff can fit around your pinky and there isn't a hat small enough for her.... the weight of reality starts to drop from the sky like pigeon droppings and splat right on your face. 

So after a short while of watching my daughter try to survive Mom wheeled me slowly out of the NICU to head back up to my room.  The headache was profound.   My feet were swelling, my body hurt... I was not doing well.  I took the standard 5-10 minutes it took to get into bed because of having to be so precise about my movements.  The nurse came in immediately and took my BP.   It was UP.... AGAIN.  180/95 or around there.  I remember the dread and doom I felt upon seeing those numbers.  Delivery was supposed to DELIVER ME!  

They said it was the only cure and usually the result of the BP lowering is quite fast... and it was.  But today those numbers I had kicked to the dusty road behind me did a screeching halt with dust flying everywhere ...did a u-turn and made their way right back into my body.  I though I had left them behind!  Why were they back?

The nurses on that floor were SO good to me.  I remember their empathy clearly.  I was in a dark place in my spirit.  I had heard stories of women giving birth from preeclampsia/eclampsia  and they were fine.  Then days or even weeks later they suddenly died of a raging BP attack from the disorder. 
The thoughts of this scenario embedded itself like termites of FEAR.  My room was dark ( I couldn't handle the lights), my heart was aching, my mind was a tornado of terror.  

What if I left Eden with no Mommy?
What if I left the man of my dreams who knows me better than anyone?
What if I left my Mom and Dad.... the pain they would go through?
What if I left my sister?  How would she ever reconcile that?
What if God decided it was my time and I was not ready?
What had I not accomplished?
I had been stuck in a particular place in my career due to my personal life and what if I never got beyond it?  
After ALL this..... now God?  Really?  Now of ALL times?????  I 
I even turned away all visitors but Greg and my immediate family.  I wanted to be alone. 

I was ANGRY and deeply SAD. 

If you know me you know I generally put on the strong face and say all is OK.  

I could not do that.  When the nurse came in and took my BP it was still hanging fairly high even after more meds.  I lost it.  I asked her point blank "Am I going to die?  I'm so scared I made it through the big crisis only to not make it a few days later."  She smiled with her compassionate eyes and face and said " No honey, you are not going to die.... this is very very common after a severe case as yours.  Day one and two are usually very good recovery days and then the body does a bit of adjusting and still ridding itself of the problem there is usually another raise or temporary spike of BP for a day or two.   We are monitoring you closely and have your meds adjusted and will continue to do so.  We will get you through this.  You need to concentrate on healing and resting for that little girl."  

It was like a light.  She was yet another angel who pierced the darkness with a knife and slid down the dark shroud of fear and sliced it wide open to reveal the light.  Best image I can give you is Goonies.... when sloth slid down the sail with Chunk on his back. Yeah, that's the best image I have for you lololol.

That moment after the darkest 12 hours of my life was a defining moment.  It was a moment when I chose hope over fear.  It was the moment I chose hope because I did not have to fear dying.  Why would God bring us both through all of this so far only to tear us apart?  God loves ME.  God loves HER.  God loves HIM.  We are a family.  We are meant to be together. !!!  These were all realizations I was having. It was like I was having them for the first time but these were things I already knew having been embraced by the love of God early on in life.  

It was a sudden second chance.  
Some may not understand but when your life is threatened and it is a very real threat....your perspective on your purpose and your place in the world is shifted and anything you have ever grounded yourself in becomes soft and shaky for the moment.  It was good to breathe again.  

I had GOD on my side. 
I had my family around me.
I had this wonderful man by my side the whole time.  




The way he loves us is so beautiful.  He's the kind of man that will follow me down into a dark place to pull me back out.  


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